Call me George
Great Leaders are curious.
We live in an age where a growing number of people feel entitled to say and do things without a second thought; that it’s fair to react viscerally and immediately, without regard to the consequences or harm done.
As an extreme example, the sitting U.S. president — like him or not — has largely attracted voters because “he’s not afraid to speak his mind.”
(I personally think it’s more like “he’s not afraid to affirm the terrible and hateful things I think and say.” But that’s neither here nor there!)
And how often do we hear people spew words out into the universe and tack on the phrase, “I’m just saying.” Especially after being challenged by another individual in conversation. As though “I’m just saying” absolves one of all consequences, even if what was “just said” was tremendously ignorant, hurtful, or rude.
I, for one, think that leaders — especially the oddball ones of us — should not be so quick to respond and make declarations thoughtlessly.
(Unless you are doing some sick absurdist humor, of course. WITH INTENTION.)
Though the power of a leader’s speech has more weight than others’ (right, wrong, or indifferent), it is reckless to abuse that power on a gut reaction.
Rather, we should approach all matters with curiosity.
CURIOSITY KILLED THE TOXIC WORK ENVIRONMENT
When you lead a team from a position of curiosity, you make space for your team’s “first draft” thoughts. You’re building a culture of psychological safety. You create opportunities to reinforce the importance of thoughtfulness. You allow for deeper discussion. And you foster a greater understanding and appreciation of those you encounter.
In fact, I try to approach most conversations curiously — when I’m arguing with my husband (I’m usually always loosely pretty much right 100% of the time in those situations), discussing a sensitive topic, dealing with a disgruntled donor, and seeking reconciliation for committing a transgression or being transgressed against. You often can take the anxiety and angst out of a confrontation when you express curiosity.
And let’s be honest: every single person on this planet has acquiesced to the temptation of impulsive speech or action, only to feel utterly terrible afterwards — and if you don’t feel utterly terrible afterwards, you might be a psychopath.
A lack of thoughtful speech, a lack of curiosity, can be like a poison to one’s soul.
In a way, curiosity is your buffer against hurting others, and ultimately yourself.
And, like all the other traits of Oddball Leadership™️, expressing curiosity is hard!!! Especially when society constantly rewards impulsivity and regards it as an honorable virtue. It’s easier and quicker to say a thoughtless quip. It takes emotional capital to examine oneself, to face oneself in the mirror and reckon with consequences of one’s impulsivity. It’s easier to slap a band-aid on the conversation with an, “I’m just sayin!”
But curiosity is a must as a leader.
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Just kidding.
As difficult as it may seem to be curious in a moment when I disagree, I’m hurt, or I’m confused — or simply that a deeper discussion is warranted — there are a few questions and phrases that I like to keep in my back pocket at all times. All relatively the same sentiment, to give the other person time to dig into their thoughts and feelings.
“Could you expound on what you mean? I am interested in learning more.”
“Say more.”
“How does that make you feel and why do you feel that way?”
“Let’s unpack that.”
I would venture to say, as long as you’ve fostered a psychologically safe and trusting space for people to expound, and the other person is both willing and able to expound — a fruitful discussion is possible. Hurts can be healed. Lessons can be learned. Mutual understanding can be cultivated.
IT DOESN’T ALWAYS WORK OUT AS PLANNED, AND THAT’S OKAY
Now, you may encounter some people in life — Lord knows I have — who shut down at even a hint of self-reflection or vulnerability surfacing in a discussion.
As society rewards impulsivity, these days it also eschews facing one’s beliefs and biases when they are challenged. What a time to be alive, am I right?
I once tried to have a discussion with someone online (bad move) about how folks tend to cite their faith as a justification for systemic racism — which, if true, is obviously problematic. Even as I tried to approach the conversation with curiosity, I got a pretty furious dressing-down. “How dare you try to psychoanalyze me?” This person asked. I was labeled as someone who was rude and disrespectful toward my elders.
Again, it was a regretfully bad move. As I look back on the situation, who was I to approach the conversation with curiosity? Who was I to approach the conversation at all? This person didn’t know me. I hadn’t carefully curated a space for this person to comfortably have a thoughtful discussion about faith and racism.
Do I think this person is wrong for denying the existence of racism as they hide behind their faith? Yes.
But is it on me to try to have a discussion with them about it on the internet? Absolutely not.
So, as a leader who seeks to approach difficult discussions and problems with curiosity — make sure you are creating spaces for your team where they can feel safe to receive your curiosity. Tell them you are doing that — and mean it.