“I’m sorry.”
Oddball Leaders apologize when they mess up.
We live in the Era of the Non-apology™️.
You’ve heard these before:
“I’m sorry if…”
“I’m sorry, but…”
Non-apologies are conditional. They are apologies without accountability. They prioritize intent over impact. They disregard and minimize harm. They shift the onus from victim to victimizer.
The world has lost its sense of what a true apology is, and we have high-profile politicians, celebrities, and social media influencers to thank for that. These are masters of the non-apology, and the lack of genuine regret is somehow applauded as “good enough” in our society.
So society, in its rabid desire to emulate those with power, now also embraces the non-apology as “good enough” — the approach adopted by bad bosses, misguided parents, and abusers alike.
It’s time to reclaim genuine apology, and Oddball Leaders are the ones best suited to get society back on track.
BE FRICKIN’ FOR REAL RIGHT NOW: EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES
Everybody. Makes. Mistakes.
Everybody.
You. Me. The mailman. Grandpa. Donald Trump. Kamala Harris. Your fourth-grade teacher (I still love you, Mrs. Bentz).
Oddball Leaders mess up All The Time! Shoot, I roll out of bed and I’m already on a one-way, high-speed train, barreling straight towards Mistakestown, U.S.A.!
But! The Oddball Leader is aware, is open to being called out, leans into their mistake, owns them, and truly apologizes for the harm and confusion they’ve caused.
Oddball Leaders eschew the non-apology. Like it makes them barf. I think about non-apologies and I throw up a little in my mouth.
THE DOS AND DON’TS OF A GENUINE APOLOGY
As common and as normalized as the non-apology is today, there is good news. The act of apologizing does not have to be difficult. It does not have to be laborious.
(What can be hard is overcoming your pride, your ego, and your sense of self-righteousness in order to issue a genuine apology — and honestly, that’s work you need to do anyway because I guarantee making a genuine apology is not the only challenge an egoist leader faces.)
So here are the things to say when issuing a genuine apology:
✅ I’m sorry.
✅ I hurt you when I (insert mistake here).
✅ I accept full responsibility for (insert mistake here).
✅ I will do better. I think I can do that by (insert healthy alternative/reformed behavior here). Does that sound appropriate?
✅ What else can I do that will help restore our relationship?
✅ Will you forgive me for (insert mistake here)?
✅ Thank you for pointing out these shortcomings to me.
And conversely, don’t say these things when apologizing:
❌ I’m sorry, but you started it.
❌ I’m sorry you feel that way.
❌ I didn’t realize that (insert mistake here) was going to cause problems.
❌ I wasn’t thinking clearly.
❌ I was just saying. (🤬🤬🤬)
❌ I hope you’re happy.
Lean in. Own your mistake. Don’t be a jerk.
Remember, as an Oddball Leader, you yourself may continue to be the recipient of non-apologies. Even if your every intention to normalize genuine apology is never reciprocated, it’s important to be the example to those you serve. This is the burden of every Oddball Leader: to genuinely apologize during the Era of the Non-apology. Your example will influence others to change how they apologize.
A REAL-LIFE EXAMPLE OF ME MESSING UP
Last week on Oddball Leadership, I talked about belonging, and how people “belong” differently.
For example — right, wrong, or indifferent — those you serve might bring with them assumptions of how a supervisor should conduct themselves, what they should say and what they should do.
This is not to say you should sacrifice your authenticity, your personality, your “oddball-ness” to fit a certain mold.
But to some degree, those assumptions inform what makes one feel safe and supported in a work environment. And it’s on you as an Oddball Leader to adjust how you interact with the people in your team.
If you know me at all, I am known to dole out a light-hearted ribbing or two to those I love — I delight in playful banter, and naturally take quickly to folks who can take it as much as they dish it out.
I learned, very early on in my first leadership role, not every person you might serve is going to feel safe in that kind of relationship dynamic.
I thought I could be that way with everyone on my team, but not so.
In the hallway at work one day I made a thoughtless side-comment to someone on my team about being insubordinate because they weren’t at their desk working. I thought nothing of it. It’s something I would have said to anyone else on my team, and I never would have meant it regardless.
HOWEVER.
A couple days later, this person pulled me into a conference room to express how triggering the comment was (due to a past work experience) and how it made them uncomfortable.
Needless to say, I was horrified. But I leaned into my mistake, and apologized. I didn’t blame them for not liking the way I joke around with the others. And I vowed to ensure their comfort and sense of belonging by changing the way this person and I interacted and worked together. I had to be a little different around them, but it was worth it.
This was not the first mistake I made as a leader, and it certainly wasn’t my last. It is definitely one of my most memorable mishaps. I carry it with me all these years later — not for guilt’s sake, but because of the lesson it taught me. It laid the foundation for why I think belonging in the workplace is so important, and serves as a constant reminder that cookie cutter approaches to leadership don’t work.
I will mess up. Again and again and again. And every time I will genuinely apologize, seek restoration, and do better in the future.
It is the Oddball way.
